The Shark and The Weasel
by Chesiere Cat
Summary: Kisame and his poor attempts to molest Itachi starts up a very, very complicated mess. Will he succeed or die the most painful death? Kisame fan if there's any keep out! Complete
1. Who would have thought

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Summary: Kisame and his poor attempts to molest Itachi. Will he succeed or die the most painful death? Kisame fan (if there's any) keep out!

Warning: Be scare, very scare of Kisame's perverse imagination. Homosexuality. *No flame* 

Note: Nope! This is NOT a KisamexItachi fic. Sure, I'm insane but not insane enough to try any of that. I love Itachi ways too much! 

Chapter I: Who would have thought...

Cough. Cough.

The sound caught Kisame's attention. He looked around if there's someone following them. No. There's no one. Maybe it was just his imagination. And having decided so, Kisame continued on his way through the thick forest. It wouldn't be long before the sun set and he would finally have a rest. 

Cough. Cough. 

That sound again. This time Kisame was sure it wasn't just his imagination. "Itachi-san, did you hear-" 

Cough. Cough. 

Now Kisame realized it wasn't someone following them, for the sound he heard was coming right from Itachi himself. Who would have thought the great, stoic, poker face badass, Uchiha Itachi would ever catch a cold. This was really amusing. Kisame grinned, fluttering his gills. Itachi glared at him. Regularly, he would have stopped grinning madly and made some stupid apologies by now but...

Cough. Cough.

Kisame's grin widened. It was unlikely to see Uchiha Itachi like this. Oh...look, how his smooth white cheeks puffed up when he coughed. His pale face flushed and turned red like rose as if he was blushing. Who would have thought Itachi could look this cute and...

Inviting. 

Kisame began to over-flood himself with saliva since he was drooling too much at the image of Itachi writhing underneath him. Those long dark bangs plastered on his sweaty forehead while some of them fell into his red eyes that were glazed from the passion he received. His enticing lips parted and his breath rasped as he begged him in his sweetest voice for more pleasure... 

"Kisame. Hurry up." Itachi's sharp voice cut him from his daydreaming and Kisame would have swung his enormous Samehada at him for such rude interruption had it been someone else but Itachi. Because if he killed him, his wildest fantasy would never come true. Not that he could really kill Itachi. Actually, if they fought, Itachi would easily beat the ass out of him. To get Itachi under him and show him his passion, he had to come up with a good plan. And a good plan needed a smart planner, which Kisame decided was no other than him himself. 

The sun was setting, leaving a red hue at the edge of the sky. It was getting dark and the duo had found themselve a suitable space for camping. After a fire was set up, Itachi tossed his partner a quick glance before he lay down and went to sleep. Since Itachi wasn't feeling well, it had to be Kisame playing the guard role. Usually, he would complain but Itachi would just shut him up. But this time he didn't mind at all because it was a good chance to stare at his beautiful partner without being noticed and it was also a good time for him to think of his perfect plan. 

Soon Itachi would be his. And he would learn the real meaning of pleasure. The shark-like man began to laugh uncontrollably. His gills fluttered with excitement. Soon, Itachi, soon...

TBC

Mwahahaha! Scary enough? If not, I hope to see you again in the next chapter aka Kisame's first plan! And let's see if I can make the chapter longer, ne? 

Review, pretty please! *No flame*


	2. Kisame's first plan

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Homosexuality and some OOC. Kisame fan keep out! You've been warned. *No flame*

Note: Dear flamer, I put the tag 'no flame' at the end of the chapter because I try to avoid any conflict with readers. Everyone has different taste and I did state clearly in the summary and warning that Kisame fan should not read this. If you found this story disturbing, you shouldn't have read it in the first place. No offense. Thank you. 

Chapter II: Kisame's first plan 

Nocturnal birds cooed. Dawn hadn't arrived yet. A dark figure crept slowly and carefully in the shadow of darkness...toward its target. After spending almost all the night doing nothing but staring at his sleeping partner, Kisame finally came up with an idea. If you wanted to rape someone that was stronger than you, you had to do it while they were in their most vulnerable state. Yes, that meant sleeping. 

Silently he crept nearer and nearer, trying not to wake his beautiful partner up. As he came close enough to feel the heat radiating from Itachi's body, he paused, using all of his strength and will power to stop his gills from fluttering with excitement. His heart raced as his hand sneaked under Itachi's cloak and met with soft skin that could be felt through that fishnet shirt. 

The Uchiha prodigy stirred and moved instinctively out of his touch. "Mmm...Sasuke, you're old enough to sleep in your own bed." he murmured but didn't wake up. Kisame frowned. _How dare that brat sleep with Itachi!? My Itachi! _ He made a mental note to himself to strangle the brat to death when they reached Konoha village. Then he made another try, wrapping an arm around Itachi's slim waist. 

The result was the same. Itachi just rolled instinctively out of his supposed embrace. 

_Darn. I will have to keep him still. _

And he put all his weight down to keep Itachi still, straddling Itachi's hips. That was when Itachi's red eyes snapped open. First, the Uchiha prodigy still felt dazed from the flu and was about to go back to sleep but after he realized the position he was in, he was fully awake. "Kisame." he said. Although his face betrayed no emotion, his voice held what could be described as an annoyment. "Get. Off."

Kisame's face faulted and was about to comply when...

Cough. Cough. 

The grin returned to his lips. Itachi was still sick. This may be a good chance to try. "No, I won't." And he ran one of his hands up and down the other's flank languidly, making the other know what he really wanted. 

"Kisame..." Itachi took a deep breath, closing his eyes. And Kisame couldn't stop his gills from fluttering at what he thought was a sign of submissiveness. 

Little did he know... 

When Itachi reopened his eyes, Kisame screamed in pain for he finally had a taste of the infamous Tsukiyomi. Itachi kicked him off of him and Kisame doubled over, still screaming as he saw himself being killed over and over again but stopped as Itachi's cold voice pierced his eardrum: "Don't you ever try any of that." 

The Uchiha prodigy stood up. His headache grew even worse from using the Mange Sharingan with the flu added to his body system. He had to find some medicine. He turned and was about to leave when Kisame caught him by the ankle. He glared menacingly at his stubborn now ex-partner. 

"Come with me, my love, to the realm of the death." The shark-like man said in a creepy voice. 

"............................"

After using Tsukiyomi on Kisame for what seemed like the tenth time, Itachi finally freed himself from Kisame. Yet the shark-like man didn't seem to give up so easily as he continued to rant about his undying love for him and crawled toward him like a wounded snake. And for the first time in his life, Uchiha Itachi began to know what fear really meant. 

He had to find some safe place to rest. His head throbbed and he swayed this way and that as he walked. There was one place that came to his mind right now. 

TBC 

Funny? Not funny? Or was it scary? Well, then maybe I should put this in horror category instead. (Just kidding!) You guess what happens next in ch.3: The pain of being an Uchiha!

Review if you want me to continue. *No flame* 

I've already known that this fic is really stupid since I'm the one writing this. -_-"


	3. The pain of being an Uchiha

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Homosexuality and some OOCness. Kisame fan keep out! You've been warned.

Note: Thanks for all the reviews. Here's the next chappie!

Chapter III: The pain of being an Uchiha 

Sasuke looked left and right, eyes scanning the area. Everything was fine. He closed the door behind him, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand after he had successfully dragged his over-size bag through the narrowness that was the door. It was a large white bag that its weight alone could send him to the brink of death if it had a good chance to fall on its owner's head. 

It was unlikely for an avenger like him to want to come back and reminisce those memories in his old house while he could stay at his comfortable apartment and have a nice sleep for the night. Yet there was a reason. A big reason. This place was safer since no one thought he would ever come back here.

He sat down on the floor, taking a minute to breath deeply before he jumped back to his feet and started rumbling through whatever were in that lovely bag of his. One of his lips' corner lifted up into what seemed like a smile as he took out a hammer and lots and lots of nails. Still had that strange smile on his face, Sasuke started hammering the nails on every doors and windows that connected to the outside, pausing now and then to look around to make sure that he was alone. 

Bang. Bang. Bang. 

He didn't stop hammering. His hands work faster than they even did making a seal. Finally, when he was sure every entrance was closed, he began laughing maniacally as if he had lost his mind. 

Creak. 

Sasuke stopped laughing as he spun around so quickly like a top and noticed that one door was still open. _I have closed all the door, haven't I? _Although it was not the door that connected to the outside, the Uchiha boy was curious to check since it was the door that led to his big brother's room. 

Cough. Cough. 

The sound almost made the Uchiha boy jump. Someone was really there. Alone with him in this forsaken and now-having-no-entrance-or-exit house. He grabbed four shuriken in his hand, ready to attack if not kill the rabid fangirl if she tried to glomp him. Sweat trickled down from every inch of his skin as he flung the door open wide. The picture he saw there wasn't something he had expected. 

"What the hell are you doing here!?" He said, his voice holding all the rage and anger that he had accumulated for all the four years. 

"I-"

Cough. Cough.

Itachi was about to retort when the terrible cough cut him off. Since he had over-used Tsukiyomi on Kisame, the cold became even worse as if he was cursed. Uchiha Itachi, now having a bad, bad cold, wasn't in a condition to fight even his weak little brother. 

Cough. Cough. 

"You've got a cold?" Sasuke's eyebrows arched up in amazement. Itachi had never caught a cold, from what he had recalled. "You-"

Bang. Bang. Bang. 

"Open the door! Let us in! Sasuke-kun, I know you're in there!" A female voice rang from behind the entrance door. Sasuke paled and turned even paler as more voices echoed: "Open the door! I know you're in there!" 

Bang. Bang. Bang. 

"Gods, they try to come in!" Sasuke panicked. He looked around hurriedly before he finally turned to his brother. "We'll have a truce for now, Itachi. Now come and help me!" He said and ran out of the room. The sick Uchiha had a puzzled expression on his face but he didn't have to be told twice. He stood up and followed his brother and saw Sasuke try to drag a large white bag with him. "Help me get this to the basement!" 

Itachi said nothing but helped his little brother drag the said bag down to the Uchiha household's secret basement where it was supposed to be safe. 

"What was that?" Itachi asked as Sasuke lit up the fire. Sasuke sighed "Rabid fangirls." He said and tossed him a machine gun, two dynamites and a bazooka, which Itachi had no idea where Sasuke had got those. "It's Valentine tomorrow." 

"Holy shit!" The older Uchiha swore. 

...Somewhere in the dark forest near Konoha village, a dark, wounded figure was creeping nearer and nearer. Its eyes glowing with freaky green light.

"You'll not escape me.... My looooovvvvvveeeeeeee, my preciouuuuuuuussssssssssss." 

TBC

This was the worst day in Itachi's life, wasn't it? Anyway, review please. 

See you in the next chapter: Bloody Valentine! Mwahahahah!


	4. Bloody Valentine

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimer Apply

Warning: Homosexuality and OOCness. Kisame fan keep out! *You've been warned*

Note: Here's the insanity continues! Let's see if you're going to freak out before this story ends or becomes a freak like me! Mwahahahaha!

Chapter IV: Bloody Valentine

Rock Lee grinned, looking at his reflection in the mirror while posing his favorite and cool Gai's sensei idly 'nice guy' posture. "Sakura-san, will you be my Valentine? I'll make sure you're the happiest woman in the world. Please..." he blew a kiss to the mirror, "be my Valentine." he finished his speech with a toothy grin and a wink, then smiled to himself. "Perfect!"

He flopped down onto his comfortable green bed that was covered with yellow sheet that had the four infamous Ninja Turtles printed on. He looked at one of the Ninja Turtles, which happened to be his favorite. "That was cool, don't you agree, Michael Angelo?" The cartoon printed on the sheet said nothing in reply yet Lee continued to ask. "Do you think Sakura-san will be impressed?" 

Still Silence.

"Yeah. Yeah. I know, it's Valentine day. It would be rather sad if you're rejected." He turned to look at a small flask containing fluid silver liquid that glittered like snowflake that was on the table just next to the bed. "Although I'm grateful, I shouldn't use it. Gai-sensei said love must be deep from the heart. I shouldn't force it, right?" He looked back at Michael Angelo and beamed. "Yes! That's it! Michael Angelo, I'll not-" 

Bang! 

"W-what're you doing here?" Lee jumped as two raven-haired boy burst into his room. He pointed a finger at Itachi. "Who're you? Why-mfff" His question was unfinished as he was muffled by Sasuke's hand on his mouth. "Shh. Be quiet." 

Itachi peeped through the keyhole of the door and gave his brother a slight nod. That was when Lee was again allowed to speak. "Sasuke-kun, what's going on?" 

Sasuke gave him a side-glance before replying: "We're being followed by hordes of rabid fangirls." He shuddered at the memory. "And we're running out of weapon, so we escaped here." 

Itachi said nothing for he still couldn't bring himself to believe that the entire weapon Sasuke had in his miracle bag wasn't enough to hold them back. Not even the bazooka, which had left nothing that looked like a body but little shreds of bloody flesh on the Uchiha household's floor that could bring Itachi's massacre legend to shame. 

"Why here?" Lee asked, wondering.

"Because I don't think any of them want to com-" 

Bang. Bang. Bang.

"Give us back our Uchiha!"

Bang. Bang. Bang. 

"Shit." Both Uchiha cursed in unison as they took out their last ammo-filled machine guns. "In the worst case, we'll have to use the dynamites." said Itachi sternly. And Sasuke nodded in agreement. 

"D-d-d-dynamites!?" Lee's eyes bulged. "Those are dangerous! No way, you're going to use them against those helpless girls!"

"Helpless?" Lee quickly shut up when he received two deadly Sharingan glares from the brothers. 

CRASH! 

The door was now out of the way as hordes of rabid fangirls swarmed into Lee's room like Shino's bugs. And the ever gentleman Rock Lee screamed high pitchly his eyebrows fluttered as some girls stomp on his beloved Michael Angelo. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

BOOM! 

The dynamite Itachi had just thrown exploded. Blood splattered all over the green room as more lifeless pieces fell to the green carpet. Raw bloody flesh scattered everywhere from the blow, one piece falling right onto Lee's beloved sheet. "Michael Angelo! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" This time the scream was so high-pitched the window glasses broke. 

Of all the miseries Uchiha Itachi had encountered in his badass life, things couldn't get even worse when a nearby vengeful soul heard Lee's scream and made its way toward the source at full speed, for it had a feeling that it might find what it was looking for there. Its eyes that glowed with eerie green light shone with hope as it crawled up the stairs, tackling everyone that were in its way. "Just....wait, my love...jussssstttttt waiiiitttttt...."

The army of rabid fangirls that didn't seem to fear death kept sauntering nearer, ignoring Lee who didn't stop screaming, clutching the Ninja Turtles sheet tightly to his chest with sorrowful tears streaming down his cheeks. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

"Damn. We don't have anymore weapon left." Sasuke said, tossing his useless machine gun aside. His hands started preparing a jutsu yet before he could finish it, the atmosphere darkened. "What the hell?" 

Itachi cringed. "Hell no." He muttered, his face losing whatever color it used to have, making him look white like a ghost. 

"Monster! Help!" The girls joined Lee in screaming as they ran in different directions to hide otherwise being tackled to death by the newcomer. Kisame glared at Sasuke, baring his sharp teeth menacingly. "Brattttttt! You're not stealing Itachi from me!" 

"What!?" 

"Don't feign innocent! You slept with him! I'll kill youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" 

TBC

Ohohohoho! The real insanity had just begun! 

*Puppy dog eyes* Review please. 


	5. The silver potion of doom

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Homosexuality and OOCness. You've been warned.

Note: I've just realized that I've killed so many people in the last chapter. LOL. Well, it was Itachi and Sasuke, to be exact. This fic is getting weirder and weirder as it progresses. Really, I myself don't know what of more insanity my craziness of a mind could come up with. ; Anyway, enjoy the chapter.

Chapter V: The silver potion of doom

"What the-"

Cough. Cough.

"DIE!"

CRASH!

Sasuke's question was cut off when Kisame started throwing everything he could get his hand on toward him. The raven haired-boy dodged as more and more of Lee's precious collection came flying his way.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Kisame's mind flared with anger, furious that the every of his supposed-to-be-deadly blow missed. He growled dangerously in his throat and sweeping the last thing remaining on the table next to the green yet bloodstained bed, he threw it at Sasuke with all his powerful force. Yes, it was nothing else but Lee's flask that contained the strange silver substance inside. Unfortunately, even though the attack was very, very, very, very powerful, it flew toward its target so poorly in a straight line that even the most stupid yet hyperactive blond dobe could evade it easily.

Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough.

CRASH!

As we expected, Sasuke jumped to the right while the offending object crashed with the room's green wall that now had red spots as its new pattern. But the thing we didn't expect was that the fluid silver liquid in the flask splattered. By some sort of sixth sense that he had never known he had, Sasuke somehow knew that the substance was anything but safe. He jumped back just in time before the silver liquid made any contact with his pale skin.

Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough.

"Itachi?" He looked at his brother who was now coughing much more violently. It seemed his cold was getting worse and his skin was as white as a ghost.

"DIE!" Kisame roared, now taking out his proud Samehada since he figured it was much more deadly than those supposed-to-be deadly flying objects. Yet what caught more of the younger Uchiha's attention was that Lee had stopped screaming. He turned to the thick-eyebrowed boy and...GASP!

Rock Lee was looking at him with the same expression he had seen in those fangirls...if not worse as those eyes cutely turned heart shaped. Sasuke cringed in fear and dragging his still coughing brother along with him, he quickly jumped out of the window to safe their lives. Not caring if the floor he (or should I say 'they'?) jumped from was indeed the 6th.

"NOOOOOOO! Come back, love! Commmmmmmeeeeeeeee baccccccckkkkkk!"

"Wait! Sasuke-kun, will you be my Valentine?"

Dead silence.

Both love struck males looked at each other...

Blink. Blink.

And burst out crying their crimson tears of pain.

"They're gone. sob I've never sob wanted anyone this much in my l-sob life." Lee said, the tears didn't stop running down his face. "I should sob have realized that sob he is the-the sob the only one for me."

"There, there, shed no more tears, pal." Kisame said, handing his new friend his yellow cartoon-striped handkerchief yet he too was crying the river of heart wrenching sorrow. "There're still ways we get what we want."

"H-how?" Lee looked up and his eyes widened as he saw Kisame's handkerchief. "You like Ninja Turtles, too?"

"Of course, they're my favorite!" Kisame said proudly, his fills fluttering.

"Really? They're my favorite, too! I've lots and lots of collection!" Lee said excitedly, his eyebrows fluttering in rhythm with Kisame's gills. "Including..." Lee's voice held the tone of grief as he regarded his unfortunate sheet in silence. More tears sprung from his round eyes and Kisame patted his back comfortingly.

"Don't wear yourself out crying. We still have matter to attend to." Kisame said, the eerie green light returned to his eyes. "Important matter. But I can lend you some of my collection in exchange of your alliance." He grinned slyly.

At this Lee brightened and he sprung to his feet. "YOSH! The Turtle Ninjas Alliance is coming!" And he posed his favorite and cool Gai-sensei's idly 'Nice Guy' posture.

"Yeah, that's it." Kisame said, smiling. Now that he had an alliance, Itachi would soon become his. He looked around the room and noticed the misshaped chocolate lay in tatter on the floor. And again, he began flooding himself with saliva as he pictured Itachi moaning in pleasure while he licked the tasty chocolate sauce off of his naked pale body slowly...

Lee, on the other hand was thinking something much more innocent, he was thinking about taking his beloved Sasuke-kun into the wonderland of Turtle Ninjas where they could talks all day and night with Michael Angelo. And they would kiss in the last evening light with Lee never stopped whispering his loving words...Oh, how romantic!

And the two began laughing to themselves. Slowly...but...happily.

Meanwhile...

Sasuke looked around hastily. He was getting paranoid. No way he wasn't going to lose his virginity after all the horrid fights he had gone through. Itachi had finally stopped coughing. Now it was time, they too came up with a good plan. Yet...

"...Itachi." Sasuke said, his eyebrows twitching.

Itachi looked at his brother questioningly but did nothing else as Sasuke's eyebrows continued to twitch.

Twitch. Twitch.

"What is it?" He finally voiced.

Sasuke growled.

"Get your hand the hell off my ass!"

TBC

Things were getting worse and worse. What's with the silver potion? Well, Ten-ten will explain it to you in the next chapter!

Review please! Or else I'll send a horny Kisame after you!


	6. Why don't you ask her?

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Homosexuality and OOCness. More insanity to come. You've been warned.

Note: Thanks for all the reviews. I'm sure now I've corrupted some of you already. Welcome to sicko club, dear. And yes, I've added the Itachi/Sasuke bit into the story. Before you call me an incest obsessed freak, I've to tell you that I already am. ((snigger)) Don't worry. There's nothing serious with this one. It's a humor fic, remember?

Chapter VI: Why don't you ask her?

Kakashi hummed softly to himself. He was now in his best mood that even if Konoha was to crumble down with Orochimaru's another attempt, he would still be laughing and waving happily at the snaky face. No, it wasn't because it was Valentine Day. It was just another day in a year. If you knew Hatake Kakashi, you might have made a right guess by now. Yes, darling. It was the released date of the new volume of his beloved Icha Icha Paradise.

He giggled like a little girl as he walked down the street, reading the new novel, ignoring the strange looks and gossips he received from those he walked past. Jiraiya had been so creative lately to come up with such a distinctive plot. He blushed slightly as he came across a hot, drool-worthy part of two smexy siblings getting it on.

Oh well...

"Get your hand the hell of my ass!"

The familiar voice caught his attention. He looked up and saw...

A cocky smile made its way to Itachi's lips. "What if I don't want to?" And with the speed of lightning, he pinned his little brother down, straddling Sasuke's hips. "Itachi." Sasuke glared at him, his voice filled with annoyment. "Get. Off."

Itachi didn't know why but somehow he felt that this was so familiar. Very, very, very familiar. He frowned. Shaking the bothering thought out of his mind a minute later, he ran his slender hands up and down the younger's boy flank, sending shivers down the boy's spine. "Itachi..." Sasuke said, taking in a deep breath. His obsidian eyes stinged, ready to switch into Sharingan mode.

If Kakashi had been in his best mood, now he was in his best of best mood. He grinned cheekily under that face cover of his. This was better than reading it from the book. Hatake Kakashi right now had no thought of capturing the S rank criminal or the fact that it was his student being assaulted. He just stood there, watching the real porn with two of his eyes.

Sasuke was about to stab Itachi in the crotch with a kunai when...

Cough. Cough.

Itachi blinked a few times and looked down at his brother, curiosity spreading over his feature. "What do you think you are doing, foolish little brother?"

"W-what!?" Sasuke stared at his older brother in shock and anger. "I should be the one saying that!" He pushed Itachi off of him and stood up, dusting himself. "You got hit with that odd silver liquid, didn't you?"

"Yeah. Why?" Itachi asked. "Is it some kind of poison or something?"

That was when Kakashi decided that Sasuke's explanation of what he guessed the silver liquidly thingy might be was boring and got back to his book. Soon he disappeared from the scence...

"But I'm normal now, aren't I?" Itachi said after Sasuke had finished with his theory.

"I don't know but it seems to work with Lee. Didn't you see-"

Cough. Cough.

"See what?" Itachi smiled, grabbing the boy's chin with his fingers, of which nails were painted purple. "You don't have to see. I can show you much more." He said in a sultry voice, leaning in slowly but surely.

Cough. Cough.

The older Uchiha's eyes widened as he realized what he was doing. He stopped dead in his track. "Oh hell..."

"Gods, look at what Lee has done!"

The two brothers turned and saw Ten-ten, dressed in Chun-Li's outfit skating toward their way with incredible speed. "If he doesn't want to use it, he should have kept it more carefully!" The little wheels screeched as she halted to a break in front of them.

"You know something about that silver-" Sasuke began but Ten-ten interrupted quickly:

"It's a love potion. Anyone who gets hit with the potion will be madly in love with the first one they cast their eyes on. Gender doesn't matter! Oh gawd! Look at what Lee has done!" She shook her head, then looked at the older of the two. "You're quite lucky that the potion doesn't have full effect on you. Sometimes having a cold is useful, right? But be careful. You know what'll happen if you cough." She looked at her watch. "Oh no! I'm gonna be late for the cosplay party! Bye!" And she skated her way down the street, disappeared from the sight at the far horizon.

The Uchiha brothers looked at each other.

"And how can we cure this?" Sasuke asked.

"......................................"

Itachi was silent.

"......................................"

Sasuke went silent.

"Why don't you ask her!?" Both Uchiha yelled at each other simultaneously.

People screamed and ran in different directions as two figures hidden under an enormous handmade turtle shell invaded their streets. "Hehehehehe. We're close. I can smell it." Kisame turned to his new partner while sniffing the air.

"Yeah but..." Lee shifted a little. "Is this really a good way to cover our identities, captain?"

Kisame bared his sharp teeth. "Do you doubt my decision?"

"No, sir. Not at all. We're going to get our prizes very soon!" Lee flashed him a sparkling grin. _Wait for me, sweetheart. I'm coming! _

Sniff. Sniff.

"Our targets are moving again! Speed up, Lee! Speed up!" Kisame commanded in a soldier fashion, speeding up himself.

"YOSH!" Lee began to run. He looked through the small holes Kisame had made for scanning their surrounding. The world seemed to stop moving as the paces quickened. They warped along the way with all the mighty power they had, faster than sound, setting their minds only on their targets.

Back to the Uchiha brothers…

"Are you sure it's that way?"

"I saw her-"

Cough. Cough.

"Hell no!" Sasuke moaned in protest at the change in Itachi's posture. The older one smirked and shoved the boy into the tree behind. "Let's continue what we've started, shall we?"

TBC

What will happen when Kisame and Lee arrive? Will the brothers ever find Ten-ten? Who else will get involve with this insanity? To be continue in the next chapter. Lots of chocolate. Hint. Hint.

Review! Meow!


	7. Say your prayer

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Homosexuality, OOCness, insanity and a little bit of incest. Don't like, don't read. You've been warned, so don't flame me about that, okay?

Note: Wow, chapter VII! I've never thought this story would come this far. It was just a random passing idea at first. An evil one. Speak of evil...let the corruption of innocent mind continue now, shall we?

Chapter VII: Say your prayer

Hinata was having a happiest day in her life when her sweet Naruto-kun asked her out for a date. Inner Hinata was doing a flip-flop. Her heart skipped nervously and her stomach did a summersault. There he came, the sweet angel of her timid life, so bright and lively with his sun-kissed hair and cerulean eyes, which seemed to gaze deep into her soul every time their eyes met. She started twiddling her fingers and blushed hotly as the cheerful kitsune boy waved and smiled warmly at her. She inwardly thanked the god with all her little heart that he was so generous to grant her such a beautiful Valentine this year.

_D-d-d-dear g-g-god...it's very kind of you to grant me s-s-s-such a wonderful day with N-N-N-Naruto-kun... _

Yes, that day the god was so kind to her but it didn't mean he had to be as kind to some nearby souls...

A church couldn't be so clean again after this fateful day...

Not so far from where Itachi was...umm, well...having a bonding time with his only remaining family member, (What a family man he was!) there was a church, of which white marble floor was always clean and well-polished. Despite its marvelous beauty, the said church was now empty and quiet saved for a soft snoring sound of a certain dark haired-priest who was sleeping on a comfortable ceremony desk. He was having an oh-so sweet dream. So sweet that if you look closely you would see drools forming at the corner of his mouth. The priest unconsciously licked it off with his long tongue.

The dream of molesting a pretty child was so sweet that he didn't want to wake up until...

Bang!

The door burst open and two raven haired-boys barged in. Both boys' face were the similar of sheer horror and disgust.

"Father! Father!" The younger one called out loudly.

The priest covered his ears and continued to sleep. "I'm having a sweet dream. Stop bothering me..." He grumbled.

"But I've to confess the bad, bad sin I've just committed!" said Sasuke.

Itachi turned to look at his brother who seemed to have freaked out and begin acting too OOC, his hand still covering his mouth as he said this: "Really, Sasuke, I should be the one saying that."

Sasuke's eyes widened as he heard that. "Really?"

"...Yes."

"It isn't my fault?"

"Well, it isn't. Actually, I was...the one kissing you first."

"But I kissed back!"

Dead silence.

".................................Really?" came a deep voice, which Sasuke realized wasn't coming from Itachi. Both Uchiha turned and saw the priest with purple eye shadows...well, in this case just happened to be Orochimaru looming over them with a frightening purple aura. His scary snake-like eyes that were glaring at Itachi spoke of painful death as he hissed: "How. Dare. You. Itachi?" He raised his voice. "How dare you steal my Sasuke-kun's first kiss!?"

Before Itachi could say anything and before Sasuke could object that that wasn't really his first kiss, there was an aggressive shout from the door: "ITACHI IS MINE!!!" and a little squeaky voice: "My lovely Sasuke-kun...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

You're right, it was Kisame and Lee: The infamous? Turtle Ninja Alliance, arriving grandly with their large turtle shell they used for covering their identities.

Kisame growled dangerously in his throat, glaring with his glowing green eyes at the three shocked men stood before him before he commanded: "Lee! Prepare for the Yummy Choco Cannon!"

"YOSH! Captain Kisame!" Lee saluted and disappeared inside their handmade turtle shell. He soon returned a minute later with a large cannon-like object. "Ready to attack every once you order, captain!"

"Good." Kisame nodded. "One. Two. Three. Fir-"

CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!

Suddenly the windows broke and the atmosphere became freezing and dark, sending swift chills down everyone's spine. The electricity was cut off.

"......back." came a cold yet vague voice. "......em back. .......them back." The voice continued to croon.

"W-what was that!?" Lee asked, sweat trickling from every inch of his body despite the temperature in the room and he clung onto Kisame's arm like a feared little child when he saw what seemed like pale smoke turning into shapes of many, many girls whom he recognized as those Itachi and Sasuke had bumped off during their fight for virginity in his room. "G-g-g-g-ghost!!!" For once, Rock Lee sounded really like Hyuuga Hinata.

Kisame, seeing that Lee couldn't be of any use for now, decided to manage everything by himself. He filled the Choco Ball in the Yummy Choco Cannon and lit up the fire. The said Choco Ball then fired out with super speed directly at its still stunned targets.

KABOOM!

Itachi and Sasuke snapped out of their trances as they found themselves covered in sticky chocolate sauce that came out of Kisame's Choco Ball.

Cough. Cough.

"Hell no! Itachi, not now!" Sasuke scooted back a good distance behind, fearing that his brother might attempt licking the chocolate sauce off of him. Oh the horror... He might have more sins to confess to the god.

"Give our Uchiha back!" The ghosts of fangirls echoed thunderously, breaking more windows.

"Itachi is mine! Girls, if you want him, even though you're already dead, that still means WAR!!!" Kisame announced loudly, his voice clear. "Get back to your position, Lee! We're fighting for our loves!"

"How dare you say that!?" Orochimaru gritted his teeth, his golden eyes blazing with smoldering fire. "No one who dares taint my church, no one who dares steal my Sasuke-kun's first kiss and no one who claims that Itachi's his/her will survive! SAY YOUR PRAYER TRAITORS! INFIDELS! FOR HOLY'S SAKE!!!"

And the war started.

No one paid attention to Lee's little protest as he got back to his position beside Kisame: "But those girls are already dead!"

TBC

Here I added in a little Naruto/Hinata, so that this fic doesn't turn out completely yaoi for those who don't like it that way. (Anyone?) In fact, that's just an excuse to say that NaruHina is my favorite hetero pairing. That's all.

Please review for the sake of more insanity. Mwahahahaha!


	8. Music starts aka enter the trio

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Homosexuality, OOCness and a little bit of incest. Don't like, don't read. You've been warned, so don't flame me about that.

Note: Umm...thanks for the idea of including reviewers in the story. That's really bright but I'm afraid I can't do so. Sorry. ((bow apologetically)) Not every reviewer is willing to be written in such way and some might take it as an insult. I hope you understand...

Chapter VIII: Music Starts!

"No one who dares taint my church, no one who dares steal my Sasuke-kun's first kiss and no one who claims that Itachi's his/hers will survive! SAY YOUR PRAYER TRAITORS! INFIDELS! FOR HOLY'S SAKE!" Orochimaru declared in a booming voice, leaping to stand on the ceremony table as if to make sure the world know he was the lord of the gay king despite those eye shadows that made him look more like a gay queen.

KABOOM!

The second Choco Ball was fired mercilessly at the Turtle Ninja Alliance's enemies but it just flew across the transparent bodies of the fangirls since they were already dead while Orochimaru just evaded it easily. Kisame's gill fluttered in anger. The eerie green light in his eyes blazed as Kisame's eyes, looking through the transparent girls' bodies, met Orochimaru's in fierce staring battle. "Do you know who I am, tootsie?" He grunted.

"T-t-t-tootsie!?" Oh no...Orochimaru sounded awfully like Hyuuga Hinata too!

"Yes. You're just a tootsie. I, here am the man above all men." The shark-like man then turned to blow a quick kiss--the technique he had learnt from Lee a little while ago to his beloved Itachi. In the background, we could see that Lee was dancing and shouting: "GO! CAPTAIN KISAME! GO! GO!" Yet the Uchiha prodigy didn't pay it any attention since he was busy licking the chocolate sauce off of Sasuke's fingers. The ignored heart Kisame blew missed it target and hit the heartless wall, sticking there like a constant tattoo.

"Your dead threat was nothing for me. Because..." Kisame paused to flash a sparkling grin before continuing, ignoring the 'eww!'s coming from the fangirls. "I. Will. Surive."

Suddenly the dark room was lit up with multi-color spotlights! There was smoke clouding all over and when it was cleared, we could see three shadow figures stand before the doorway. "Music starts!" A female voice shout.

As the music boomed from nowhere, the bright spotlight illuminated the shadow figures there, revealing the owner of the earlier female voice to be...Temari, wearing a sexy red mini-skirt and black tanktop, which had the word 'hot chick' on and a pair of knee-high black leather boots. Raising the microphone that came out of nowhere to her reddened lips she sang in her rich voice:

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified

Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights thinkin' how you did me wrong

And I grew strong and I learned how to get along"

Everyone in the room stared at her in utter shock as she continued to sing:

"And so you're back from outer space

I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face

I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key

If I'd have known for just one second you'd back to bother me"

The spotlights now went over to the other two figures beside Temari. GASP! Everyone gasped in unison at what they had witnessed. There, dancing expertly like professional dancers were Gaara of the desert and his brother, Kankuro. Both wore the same outfits; tight black leather pants and loose white silk shirt with two top buttons unbuttoned, showing a delicious sight of their bare chest. (Hey, you're drooling!)

Somehow Orochimaru managed to snap out of his trance. Maybe...just maybe it was the true power of the lord of the gay king as he claimed himself to be. Well, that was the case that Kisame was wrong, so I won't go into deep detail about it, okay? He then bit his thumb, making it bleed and smeared the blood across his love-love snake tattoo. "I choose you, Manda! Show'em your power!" He laughed insanely while Temari continued to sing:

"Go on now, go walk out the door

Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

Did you think I'd crumble, did you think I'd lay down and die"

Bonk!

The smoke clear and emerged from there was a gigantic snake. The fangirls, unable to bear the knowledge that Temari looked so damn sexy singing, decided to turn away and to their horror, they met the summoned snake's big yellow eyes.

Suddenly...!

All the phantom fangirls were frozen as if they were turned into stone. Orochimaru blinked. "Eh? You aren't Manda." The snake hissed in confusion. After a minute of thinking, it finally realized it came to the wrong fandom. Nodding to itself, the Basilisk crawled away, back to the Harry Potter fandom, where it came from.

"Oh, no, not I-I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live and I've got all my love to give

And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey"

As Temari finished her song, she found Aburame Shino standing before her. Despite his dark sunglasses, she knew he was glaring menacingly at her.

"Do you notice that Gloria Gaynor and I have the same hairstyle?" growled Shino.

TBC

Sorry if this chapter isn't funny. I just need this prepared for more insanity in the next chapters, alright?

I can't survive without review. Review please!


	9. The meaning of love

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Homosexuality, OOCness and a lil' bit of incest. Don't like, don't read. You've been warned, so don't flame me 'bout that.

Note: Things are getting more and more out of hand. Still, I'm glad you like the last chappie. :) Thanks for all the reviews! Here comes Chapter IX served on the dish!

Chapter IX: The meaning of love

"Do you notice that Gloria Gaynor and I have the same hairstyle?"

Temari looked questioningly at Shino, who didn't stop glaring at her, and blinked. "Yes, that's very obvious. Why?"

Shino's scowl deepened.

Kankuro looked at his left, where Gaara used to stand a little while before and then noticed that his brother had disappeared. "Hey, where's Gaara?" His eyes quickly scanned the room for the redhead and...yes, he had found him...

Itachi was bored with licking the tasty sauce off of his little brother's fingers and decided it was time he really ate him. He tugged Sasuke by the arm, which he held so tightly it hurt with the grip of iron and pulled Sasuke closer. The younger boy gasped as his brother's hand sneaked under his shirt. _God, save me! _

"Is this called love?" An innocent voice asked.

"No! This is molesting!" Sasuke yelled, trying to get away from Itachi's dead grip. He wished he knew a way to make someone cough.

"Molesting? Molesting isn't love?" The voice continued to ask. "Then why are you molesting him?" This time the question was shot directly at Itachi. "I was told if you kiss someone, it means you're in love with them. So...did you kiss?"

If it wasn't for Itachi's dead grip, Sasuke would have plugged his ears at the coming answer since it would remind him of what sin he had just done. _God, forgive me._

"LOVE MEANS WAR!" Kisame shout at the top of his lungs. "DIE! TOOTSIE! DIE! ITACHI IS MINE!" __

"Stop calling me tootsie, dead-brained shark! I'll make sure I've sashimi for dinner tonight!" Orochimaru shout back, though not as loud as Kisame, still standing on the ceremony table. "Come out, Kabuto! Move your lazy ass!"

The janitor's room's door creaked open slowly, reminding Lee a lot about the horror movie he had watched at Neji's house a few days ago. And little Fuzzybrow began to panicked. It was the greatest weakness of his that he couldn't surpass yet. Yes, the beautiful green beast of Konoha, Rock Lee was afraid of ghost. A lot. That was why he freaked out the most when he saw the fangirls. He ran around in circle, screaming even louder than his partner, to Kisame's dismay. "GHOOOOOOSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Shut up! I can't hear the movie!" Kankuro whacked Lee on the head since Lee's scream interrupted his good time watching the cartoon movie 'Beauty and The Beast' he had brought with. For once Kisame was grateful that his new partner was out cold. "Thank you." he said. Kankuro nodded and got back to watching his favorite cartoon movie.

Kabuto wiped his dirty glasses clean. He looked groggily sleepy. He yawned and brushed the untidy white bangs out of his eyes before turning to his master. Orochimaru gave him a nod. "Yes, sir." And Kabuto took out his mop and a bucket of water. He then started cleaning the messy church up.

"No! You, dumbass! I didn't call you out to clean my church!" the snake-like man scolded. Inner Orochimaru was blushing furiously in embarrassment.

Yet before the battle could go on, the voice coming from the corner caught everyone's attention.

"Tell me!" Itachi and Gaara demanded of Sasuke in unison. Sasuke swallowed the lump in his throat and scoot further back until he hit the wall. Itachi was looking even more murderous than he was the night wiping off their clan while Gaara was looking at him with curiosity written all over his face, making him look so cute that it was scary. "Who's really your first kiss?"

Sasuke went rigid at the thought of it and tried to scoot back even further but couldn't since there was no space left between him and the white marble wall, which was stuck with a pink heart tattoo. There was no escape. Sasuke swallowed another lump in his throat before replying:

"...Naruto."

CRASH!

Another window was shattered and Sasuke watched in horror as Itachi's face looked even more murderous. The older Uchiha jumped out of the window. No doubt he was going after Uzumaki Naruto. Only this time, it wasn't for capturing the Kyuubi.

"Uzumaki Naruto..." Orochimaru cackled evilly. He then quickly followed Itachi.

Lee, who had quickly recovered after hearing that Sasuke's first kiss was Naruto, decided he wanna kick someone's ass. He turned to Kisame. He extended his hand out. "Captain Kisame, will you go to war with me?" Kisame, thinking that if Lee had Sasuke, he could have Itachi all for himself, nodded, shaking Lee's hand. "Of course! Your enemy is my enemy too!"

"We are fighting for LOVE!" They declared to no one in particular. The duo soon followed Orochimaru.

"Love? They're fighting for love? I want to know more about love." And Gaara of the desert followed Lee and Kisame.

Temari, seeing Gaara go, dragged Kankuro, who was still watching that boring (in her opinion) cartoon movie for about the hundredth time that week, by his silk shirt collar and followed Gaara.

"..." Shino decided to followed Temari and Kankuro since he thought he hadn't finished his little chitchat to Temari.

Silence.

Sasuke sighed. Finally fate could leave him alone. Not that he believed in fate much.

Nudge.

The raven haired-boy turned when he felt the nudge in the rib.

"Help me clean this place." said Kabuto groggily, handing Sasuke another mop.

Feeling sorry for getting his teammate in danger or was it that he didn't want to do the chore, I can't really tell but a minute later, the Uchiha boy dropped the mop on the floor hard, making it break into pieces before jumping out the window and followed Shino.

Being the last person standing in the dirty church, Kabuto yawned. He was going to take a nap before he wore himself out cleaning Orochimaru's church. One question came to his mind at the thought of the words 'Orochimaru' and 'church': _Since when did Orochimaru-sama become churchy?_

Well, that wasn't something he had to know. What was important was that he'd better sleep and make everything clean and well polished again before his master was back. Because if he didn't, the consequence of being whipped at by the lord of the gay king was severe. Ouch!

TBC

Poor, poor Naruto. What'll happen to him and his happy day with Hinata? Find out the horror in the next chapter!

Review onegai!


	10. Love must be deep from the heart

The Shark and the Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Homosexuality, OOCness and a little bit of incest. Unnerving? Don't read then. You've been warned, so don't flame me about that.

Note: I've just started my university life this week and all I can say is it really sucks! It has only been three days and I've got tons and tons of homework already! Grrrrrrrrrr..... how I miss highschool. ::sniff:: ::sniff:: I'm babbling nonsense too much. Sorry. ::bang heads over and over against the wall:: Hahaha. It hurts. I'm back! Now on with the story.

Chapter X: Love must be deep from the heart

"N-N-N-Naruto-kun, d-d-d-do you think t-t-t-this is r-r-r-really a g-g-g-good idea?"

"What're you saying? Hinata, don't tell me that you've never done this before." Naruto raised his eyebrows at the shy girl. "That's weird." _I thought girls care about their looks more than anything else. Not that I know much about girl fashion but still..._

"S-s-sorry but I-I haven't." The Hyuuga girl blushed hotly, shifting uncomfortably in her new outfit. For her, shopping with her blond angel was the god's gift but she still thought the clothes were too sexy for her to wear.

Naruto stared at her mutely for a while before he blinked, scratching the back of his head. "Well, there's nothing wrong with saying what you like and what you don't like, you know. If someone else says that it's good and you think it isn't good, you don't have to follow their opinion. Look at me, I like miso ramen but Iruka-sensei likes shashuu ramen but he still treats me the miso one. So...just be yourself, okay?"

"T-t-t-thank you, N-N-N-Naruto-kun." The girl smiled, twiddling her fingers.

"So..." The blond boy scratched his head again, tossing his frog pouch up and down with one hand. "Do you want this one?"

"I-I think i-i-it's okay, N-N-N-Naruto-kun i-i-i-if you think it's good." She replied softly.

Naruto sighed, shaking his head. He then paid for the clothes and made a hand gesture at the girl to follow him out of the store. Hinata was still very shy about her new clothes and followed him with a snail's pace. That was why when she finally came out of the store, Naruto had already disappeared.

"Hey, Hinata, do you think-" He turned...and found that the white eyed-girl was nowhere in sight. "Hey!"

The bush behind him ruffled. "Hinata?" He called, spinning around. No. There was no one. A chill ran down Naruto's spine as he took a step closer to the suspicious bush and another step and another step.

Tha-thump. Tha-thump. Tha-thump.

His heart beat faster and faster as he got closer and closer.

Suddenly!

"Wha-!" The kitsune boy jumped to the side as a deadly combo of shuriken and kunai darted from the bush, flying directly at him. "What the-" Blue eyes widened at sound of something sharp cutting through the air swiftly. A flash of silver caught his eyes and he quickly dodged back, whirling around to face his attacker--the wicked katana bit into the bark mercilessly. His cerulean eyes got even wider at whom he saw. "You!"

Blood-red Sharingan eyes glared murderously at the Kyuubi vessel as their owner pulled his embedded katana back and pointed it at him threateningly. Naruto tensed but got into a fighting stance anyway.

The wind whistled, blowing the dry leaves on the ground away with its powerful breath. Dramatically, Itachi brushed those strayed dark locks away from his eyes as he proclaimed in his usual monotone voice: "You stole my love's first kiss."

"W-What!? I don't even know who your love is!"

"...feigning innocent." The Uchiha prodigy said, charging toward the judged-to-be-guilty-boy (No attorney for poor Naruto-kun. That's injustice!), katana raised. Yet...

Cough. Cough.

Itachi stopped mid-way, almost stumbling over due to sudden break of the supernatural speed. Almost. Even being a badass, Uchiha Itachi still had an image to maintain. And saying what he had said, doing what he had done, already ruined his image enough.

"....................................."

Sheathing his katana, Itachi turned and was about to leave when...

"Hey, who's your love?"

"................................."

"I should have deposed of you when we first met, Naruto-kun." Orochimaru spoke up as he landed before the boy gracefully. "But your pathetic life ends here by me, Orochimaru, the legendary sennin, the lord of the gay kings, the most beautiful eyeshadow wearer, the only almighty person who has the right for Itachi and Sasuke-kun. They're all mine. Mwahahahaha!"

As Orochimaru wasted his time cackling maniacally, the infamous? Turtle Ninjas Alliance entered the scence with the same roaring of words from Kisame: "ITACHI IS MINE!" It seemed the shark-like man had lost the ability to speak the other words apart from 'ITACHI IS MINE.' and 'DIE!' lately saved for when he talked to Lee.

"DIE TOOTSIE! DIE! ITACHI IS MINE!" Well, I was wrong. He also knew the word 'TOOTSIE'.

The shouting war between the lord of the gay kings and Captain Kisame erupted again while their real target, Naruto stared at them mutely, blinking now and then. It was then that Lee decided to act on his own and Dynamic Jump Kick the blond boy in the face--the same move Gai 'accidentally' used on Jiraiya.

"Naruto-kun," Lee said, his eyebrows fluttering in the wind. "We maybe good friends. But! the fact that you've Sasuke-kun's first kiss is unforgivable." On hearing this the dirt-covered Naruto, turned to look at Itachi, who turned so pale as if he was about to become transparent, with a shock and disgusted look displaying on his face. "That's illegal!"

"I don't want to harm a friend but I'm fighting for my love." Lee continued to rant. "I know that you'll be angry but I have to do it. Forgive me, Naruto-kun!" And he landed a powerful blow at the blond boy. Yet...

Block.

"Lee!" A booming voice rang and standing proudly between Naruto and Lee was the beautiful green beast of Konoha, Gai. "My boy! You've grown up! I see how hard you're fighting for your love. That's it! Love! The spring time of youth!" He grinned, tears of happiness trickling from his eyes.

"G-Gai-sensei!" Lee's round eyes watered.

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

And the two embraced each other in a bear hug, earning an 'eww' from Naruto.

"But there's still one thing." Gai said, putting a hand lovingly on his favorite student's bowl shaped head. "Fighting for love is right but harming your friend is wrong. Lee, do you remember what I've told you before?"

Lee wiped the tears from his eyes and looked up at his teacher. "Yes, Gai-sensei. You said 'Love must be deep from the heart'."

"Yes, that's right, my boy. So...if Naruto-kun and that Uchiha boy's in love with each other, you shouldn't get in their way."

"B-but I love Sasuke-kun!"

"I know, I know. What I mean is you shouldn't challenge Naruto-kun into a physical fight because you can win Sasuke-kun's heart with your charm! Remember it, Lee, love must be deep from the heart!"

"Yes." Two boyish voices said simultaneously.

Gai and Lee blinked. And turned to look at the owner of another voice.

Their eyes widened when they saw Gaara of the desert kneel politely in front of Gai. "Gai-sensei, please be my teacher." he said, looking up at the green wearing man. "Please teach me about love. I want to know more about love."

"Oh, you too are going through the spring time of youth?" Gai flashed the redhead a sparkling toothy grin. "Fine! I'll teach you! But first..."

Gaara watched as Gai took something out of his bag. "You've to wear this!"

Yes, people. It's the tight green suit that Gai and Lee always wear.

The insomniac sand nin stared at the thing for a while before he nodded obediently. "Okay."

In the distance, we could hear Temari's shrieking scream of horror: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! GAARA! DON'T!"

TBC

Umm....I think this fic will end within three chapters since I start to run out of ideas and it's getting lamer and lamer. No good. So yeah, it'll end within three chapters.

Anyway, I still need review. Review please!!!


	11. Do you think they're still alive?

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Homosexuality and extreme OOCness. Don't like, don't read. You've been warned, so don't flame me about that.

Note: Err....don't feel like ranting now. Let's continue!

Chapter XI: Do you think they're still alive?

Temari screamed in horror when she saw her brother accept the ugly uber green tights of which design alone would make her want to throw up until there was nothing left in her oh-so-sexy stomach. Worst of all, it was... "GREEN!!!" She shrieked high-pitchedly, every muscle in her body tensed. "GREEN! GREEN! GREEN! IT'S GREEN! GAARA! DID YOU HEAR ME!?"

Despite the volume of her voice, her brother didn't seem to acknowledge it at all. Vein popped, Temari chewed on her reddened lower lips and with the power equaled that of a pro wrestler she threw Kankurou, who was still whining about his sister being a sadistic heartless little bitch and that he wanted to watch his favorite cartoon movie, at the beaming green-wearing fuzzybrowed man, who was busy trying to explain to his new student how to wear the suit properly.

"Temariiiiiiiiiiiiiii, yooooooouuuuuuuuu biiiiiiiitttttttttttcccccccchhhhhhhhh!" Kankurou screamed as he flew directly across the place, past a puzzled Gaara, an eye-bulged Lee and a jaw-dropped Naruto and hit the still grinning Gai with a loud crash. The three standing boys blinked...and slowly looked down at the human heap on the ground. Silence prevailed for a while, for Kisame and Orochimaru was getting very tired of shouting at each other and decided to give it a break. The two men dropped to the ground, their gazes also fixing on the two bodies lying there. No one was sure if they were still alive...or had already joined those fangirls in the realm of the death.

Everything seemed to be in complete silence for a while until...

Cough. Cough.

If Sasuke had been there, he would have cringed in fear at the mere sound and maybe...well, maybe generously warn Naruto what doom might befall his poor life the next second. Unfortunately, he wasn't present at the moment, so the ignorant yet unlucky blond didn't have any clue of the danger that was coming. He stood there, still staring at Kankurou and Gai without moving or leaving.

Yet there was still fortune in the misfortune...

As soon as Itachi decided to strike, Temari also did. The blonde girl charged forward with the speed of lightning, aiming to take the ugly green suit away from Gaara and tear it suit into the tiniest pieces. Automatically, Gaara's guarding sand came out to block her sudden attack, startling Lee, who jumped backward and therefore tackled Naruto out of Itachi's deadly katana.

"Hey, Naruto. I've something to wa-" Sasuke's uncharacteristic warning went unfinished as its speaker immediately went, "Hell no!" seeing his murderous brother paced toward him calmly with a predatory smile on his lips. Sasuke turned and was about to run away when Itachi suddenly jumped him, (Hey, I mean 'jump' as in 'leap at' not that 'jump', you pervert!) sending him to kiss the ground face first with the man he hated most in the world on top of him, holding his wrists down in tight grip.

"That's illegal!" cried Naruto, pointing an accusing finger at the two.

"No! It's immoral, you idiot!" shot back Sasuke.

"But it's also illegal!" Naruto protested firmly.

"Whatever! Help me out of this!" yelled Sasuke as Itachi's free hand started its teasing.

Naruto thought for a brief moment before he grinned foxily. "No."

"Naruto, if you don't. I'll make sure to kick your ass later." the raven haired-boy threatened, narrowing his eyes slightly.

"Sure. You will." said the blond boy.

"I'll treat you ramen for the next three weeks." The bribe ended with a soft moan as Itachi's naughty hand brushed across his sensitive spot.

"Really?" Naruto's grin became so wide that we could almost see every tooth he had.

"Really! Now get this horny bastard of a brother away from me!"

Naruto was happy and skipped to his trapped teammate with his mind set on three weeks of free ramen. Unfortunately, the goddess of luck turned her back on his once again.

Cough. Cough.

Itachi quickly released his little brother. Both Uchiha's cheeks flushed bright red. Such an unlikely picture... If someone turned to look at Kisame and Orochimaru at the time, he/she might freak out seeing Kisame's gill fluttering wildly and Orochimaru's extraordinary long tongue lolling with all its two feet length on the ground. Both were over-flooding themselves with unbelievingly large amount of saliva.

Meanwhile...

Sparks flew in every direction as Shino, who arrived just a little before Sasuke glared menacingly at Temari in their heated battle of staring while Gaara and Lee sat, watching them with great interest. In front of the two boys was a large size popcorn and two medium size coca-cola. "Who do you think is gonna win?" asked Gaara, still in his old silk shirt and leather pants since eventually Temari managed to get the tights away from him.

"I bet all my pocket money on Temari-san! She's really scary!" answered Lee. "Well, Gai-sensei told me that gambling is bad but..." Lee turned to look at Gai's body on the ground next to him. "I think he's dead now, so I don't have to worry about that, right?"

"Right." said Gaara plainly and popped another popcorn into his mouth.

TBC

Hey, I didn't make Gaara-chan wear that uber green suit, people. See? I still have mercy! Don't call me wicked. (I prefer 'sick'.)

Mwahahahaha! Review please!


	12. All the colors he could see

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Hey, this is chapter XII, people! Do I still have to write this?

Note: Well, this is supposed to be updated yesterday but my annoying brother just knocked me off the computer desk and said that he had an important research to do... ::sob:: Wicked, wicked, wicked homophobic little brother! Damn him! If it wasn't for mom, who just happened to be sitting in the room with us... Oh well, forget that. Let's get to our story!

Chapter XII: All the colors he could see

"So..." said Naruto, his gaze shifting between the two Uchiha. "This against-the-law thing happens because of what Ten-ten claimed without having any evidence or witness is a love potion?"

Getting tired of arguing with Naruto's poor statement of law, Sasuke replied in a monotone voice: "Yes."

On hearing that, Kisame's gills flutter with joy. So his beautiful, unbeatable and unfxxkable partner (Well, the last part was still in doubt, in Kisame's opinion) wasn't really head over heel for the brat? The world was turning pink again for the shark-like man as the wind carried the sweet scent of blossoming flowers. Spring had come over his throbbing heart once again.

"Hey, it's your turn." grumbled Orochimaru, who was now wearing just only his pants, fanning his cards out for Kisame to draw. During their war break, the two men had agreed to use every single minute of it to the fullest. And what, they decided, wasn't going to waste their time uselessly was nothing but playing strip poker.

The shark-like man was still deep in his thought. Orochimaru growled impatiently and whacked Kisame several times on the head. "What're you thinking, dumb shark!? Don't waste my time!"

Despite those big swollen bumps on his head, Kisame was still daydreaming about how he would teach his beautiful partner (Ex-partner, in Itachi's opinion) the real pleasure. Oh...all he could see was pink. Yes...pink was the color of it...__

"Love! The spring time of youth!" Gai bolted up to his feet from his seemingly dead position, stretching his strained arms slowly but with much liveliness. "Lee! My boy! I'm not dead yet!" __

Lee almost jumped as he saw this. He clutched tightly on Gaara's sleeve, his voice trembling in fear. "G-Gaara-san, didn't you say that he's already dead?" __

"Lee! My boy! I'm not dead yet!" Gai repeated loudly, now stretching his strained legs and grinned.

"...I think you're right." said the red haired-sand nin, not really paying Lee attention since he was busy watching Temari and Shino stare each other to dead. He took a sip from his coca-cola. "Temari's going to win." Apparently, he didn't listen to Lee at all.

"G-Gaara-san, do you think he heard what I said about our bet?" Lee tugged at Gaara's sleeve while eyeing his favorite teacher, who was now screwing his neck around in 360 degree to get rid of the strain with utter fear that you would never see him show before. "Lee! My boy! See? I'm not dead yet!"

Hinata, who had just showed up after spending two chapters finding her beloved Naruto-kun, blinked anxiously as she watched her date from afar, for she was quite afraid to get into the clearing with so many people. From where she stood she could see Naruto took out a long rope with a serious expression on his usually laughing face...

"What's that rope for?" Sasuke asked, his left eye twitching involuntarily. It seemed like a bad omen. Something bad was going to happen. He could feel it. But what?

"Hey, if you don't want your brother to grope you," Naruto shifted his gaze to Itachi. "And if you don't want to get arrested for commit something against the law," He shifted his gaze back to Sasuke again. "All you have to do is tie up his hands. Isn't it easier this way?"

"...He's too weak to free himself with a jutsu anyway, so...why not?" Sasuke nodded grimly.

"Remember that my idea gets you out of this situation, Sasuke. You own me big time!" Naruto grinned and was about to tie the suddenly-go-mute-Itachi's hands when...

Cough. Cough.

The sick Uchiha smirked and snatched the other end of Naruto's rope, pulling it away from the blond boy's grip. The sudden tug surprised Naruto and a minute later the blond boy found himself kissing the ground with dirt filling his ramen craving mouth. "Damn." He cursed, spitting out the dirt. His blue eyes widened when he heard his teammate's uncharacteristically girlish scream: "Naruto! Save me!"

Itachi looked down at his brother in amusement. The younger boy looked so cute with his arms being bound to the lowest branch like that. "Why didn't I think about bondage before?" He said, appreciating his own creativeness.

"Naruto!"

"Don't worry, Sasuke! I'm coming!" _Three weeks of free ramen! Three weeks of free ramen! _

Yet Naruto's innocent intention to save his teammate and rival and get the said three weeks of free ramen was giving someone a heartbreak.

Behind the tree, not far away, Hinata was sobbing with her sorrowful tears of lost love. She had seen it. She had seen everything. _N-N-N ::sob:: Naruto-kun, w-w-w-why ::sob:: didn't you t-t-t-tell me ::sob:: t-t-t-that you have ::sob:: s-s-s-somebody else? W-w-w-why do you ::sob:: h-h-h-have to lie?_

Curious? Well, I will show you what Hinata had seen:

xxxxx Scence Replayed xxxxx

Naruto-kun's adorable blue eyes widened when he heard his 100 percent male teammate's uncharacteristically girlish scream. "Naruto-kun! He's going to rape me!"

The cloak wearing yet good-looking man looked down at the said 100 percent male Naruto-kun's teammate with lust shining in his red eyes. "Why didn't I think about bondage before?" The man said, grabbing the chin of the boy who was 100 percent of the same gender and looked almost alike to him. That was illegal.

"Naruto-kun! I've been saving my virginity for you but...but..."

"Don't worry, my love! I'm coming! If I can't save you, we're having threesome instead!"

xxxxx End Scence Replayed xxxxx

That was what Hinata had seen and she couldn't bear the very thought of it. Not even one bit. But she wasn't supposed to cry. She had to show everyone that she was strong. Nodding to herself, Hinata lunged forward at the three males. "Stop the illegal action now!" She yelled with anger, completely forgetting about her usual behavior of stuttering. Yet...

Out of the corner of her eyes, Temari saw a glimpse of red and black. With her sharp eyesight, she could tell that it was a girl wearing a sexy red mini-skirt and a black tanktop with the word 'hot chick' on it. And that really got her attention. She suddenly broke her eye contact with Shino and spun around on her heels quickly, scowling deeply at the vision. It was so disturbing. "Copycat!" She shrieked like a banshee. "Copycat! Copycat! Copycat! I hate copycat!"

Vein popped, Temari chewed on her lower reddened lips angrily. She then grabbed the already unconscious Kankurou and threw him across the area, past a popcorn eating Gaara, a frightened Lee and a head spinning Gai, with the power equal that of a Sumo Wrestler.

The already unconscious Kankurou continued to fly across the area, past the now wearing-only-purple-boxer-Orochimaru, past the running Hinata...eh!?

The Kankurou missile missed its target and hit its new target, which happened to be...Kisame.

The shark-like man was having fun getting the upper hand and had no clue of what came flying his way.

CRASH!

There was a loud crash and Kisame's world spun round and round. He could see many colors twirled into a dizzy wheel before the last shade of lovely pink darkened and all the colors turn absolutely black.

Before Kisame's consciousness would all fade, he heard Gaara's voice: "We're wrong. Temari broke the eye contact first."

TBC

Umm...the next one will be the last chapter. You'll get the answer that I left hanging at the end of chapter one and my summary. Yes. Will Kisame finally get Itachi or die the most painful death? Find out in the last chapter!

Review ne? ::puppy dog's eyes::


	13. The Shark and The Weasel

The Shark and The Weasel

Standard Disclaimers Apply

Warning: Do I still have to do this? This is the last chapter!

Note: Finally, this story has come to an end. I thank you everyone who read this fic, especially reviewers. I love you all!

Chapter XIII: The Shark and The Weasel

"Kisame."

A cold, distant voice shattered the silence. Even without opening his eyes, he knew exactly whose voice it was. There was no way he would ever forget it. The owner of it was a beautiful raven haired-man of seventeen whose skin was as pale as moonlight and eyes as red as blood... The object of his lust...his stoic partner Uchiha Itachi.

"Kisame."

The voice called again. This time a little bit louder but didn't loose it coldness. Cold and distant just like Itachi himself. The coldness of it made his heart freeze with ice. Love, the Spring time of Youth would never come again, for he had seen something he shouldn't. He had seen those icy, unfeeling red eyes burnt with fire of desire that he used to think only him could make Itachi feel...to teach him about the real pleasure. He was wrong. It hurt him so much his gills became dry.

"Kisame."

Kisame grumbled in an untranslatable, squinting his eyes shut tighter and plugged his ears with his fingers. No. He needed to hear that voice no more. Just let him die and have the only-purple-boxer-wearing Orochimaru had him for his dinner sashimi. _Oh, Itachi...you don't know how much it hurts... I'm dying..._

"Kisame."

Itachi's elegant eyebrows twitched in annoyance. He had called the blasted shark for so many times but Kisame didn't seem to hear it. Yet Itachi was sure Kisame heard him. The stupid shark even tried plugging his ears.

Twitch. Twitch.

His eyebrows continued to twitch. Despite his usual poker face, Itachi was losing his patience. He considered stabbing Kisame in the stomach with his katana for a moment but changed his mind, remembering their still had a mission to accomplish as partners...

"Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww!"

So he kicked Kisame several times in the ribs instead.

"Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww!"

The shark-like man screamed in pain, doubling over and did a summersault, still screaming, blue hands clutching at his side where he was kicked. Itachi's eyebrows gave another twitch and the Uchiha Prodigy kicked the shark-like man again. "Stop whining already. We still have a mission to do."

Kisame stopped screaming suddenly, looking up at his partner. "I-Itachi-chan?" A dark look passed upon Itachi's face and Kisame quickly changed his words. "Uh...I mean Itachi-san." The shark-like man swallowed a lump in his throat, trying to hold back the heartbreaking tears before he continued, looking straight into Itachi's piercing red eyes: "I'm sorry for making everything complicate for you. If you love that boy, I won't get in your way again. I love you very much but now I have to let go, knowing I'm not the one for you. Itachi-san...it's so hard for me. I'm dying from the inside out. My gills are dry, don't you see? So..."

Itachi looked at him with a puzzled expression on his face. "What?"

"So...at least, give me a goodbye kiss!" Kisame didn't wait but flung himself at Itachi, sticking his lips out. "Chuu! Chuu! Chuu!"

Wham!

Kisame was sent flying backward to lie on his back as Itachi's shoe connected with his face, leaving a vivid brand of shoeprint on it. "Don't even try."

"I-Itachi-san! You're so mean!" The restrained tears finally burst, streaming down Kisame's blue face like a waterfall. "It's just one kiss! I saw you give that brat many, many kisses. Why can't I have just a single kiss? You're so mean! Booooohooooo!"

Itachi's eyes widened slightly at what he heard. _Me? Kissing? Brat? _"What're you talking about?"

"Do not pretend, Itachi-san... I have seen it. I have seen everything."

"You've seen what?"

On hearing the question, Kisame broke down and cried even harder. "Boooooohoooooo! Why do you have to remind me of that? I've seen you tie that brat to the trees. I've seen that lust in your eyes. I've seen you grab his chin with your fingers. I've seen you kiss him! Booooooohoooooooo!"

"What?"

"And you strip the brat! Even though the Kyuubi tried to free him, you managed to strip that brat! I may pass out after I saw that but I know exactly what happened after that, Itachi-san. You don't have to remind me! Boooooooohoooooooo!"

_Strip? Kyuubi? Brat? _Itachi's eyebrows twitched more. Now he knew what Kisame was talking about.

"You're so mean. Booooohoooooo!"

Itachi kicked the shark-like man again in the ribs and said in his usual monotone voice that held what could be described as the slightest hint of annoyance: "Wake up. Your disgusting dream is nonsense. We still have mission to do."

"What did you say?" Kisame looked up, hope shining in his tear-glazed eyes.

Itachi sighed. Finally his stupid partner had come to his sense. "I said it was just a dream. Now get up."

_Dream? It was just a dream? _Kisame quickly sprang to his feet, his gills fluttering with joy. _It was just a dream! Yes! There's no way someone like Uchiha Itachi is gonna get a cold! _He wiped those tears away with his sleeve and grinned. "Sorry for keeping you waiting, Itachi-san. Let's go to Konoha!"

"............................"

Itachi said nothing regarding the silly pose his partner had pulled up. He shook his head and turned his back on his partner and started walking. Kisame picked up his Samehada and quickly followed him. __

The sun was rising in the sky, showering the world with its golden light. The duo continued to walk in sheer silence, letting those warm beams bath them. Kisame watched the sunlight played with Itachi's ebon hair, lightening the shade into dark brown. His partner may seem contrast to the light but he didn't look any less beautiful than in the night. Even it was just a dream but Kisame thought he had fallen in love with the man. And from that dream, the images he had seen had broken his heart. That was a proof.

Itachi was unreachable...and unfxxkable. No doubt.

So the only and safest way was to just let go. Oh, it hurt so much. He might need some water to freshen up his gills but it would never be back to its best condition. He lowered his head as he continued to walk in utter silence...until...

Cough. Cough.

Kisame immediately looked up, his eyes sparkling and grinned his gill-fluttering grin. Well, it wasn't bad to try again, right?

The Shark and The Weasel

Never End (But it's the end of this story!)

Hahaha. That's my answer. Whether you want The Shark to die the most painful death or not, it's your choice! And although I didn't bring on more Uchihacest as some of you had asked me for, this chapter does have a hint of it even though it was just Kisame's dream, so don't sue me! Oh, and I've gotten rid of Orochimaru too! See? Mwahahahaha! See you next fic! Bye!

Review pleasex3


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